Post by Sawslig Steve. And William. on Jan 19, 2012 7:44:52 GMT
As some of you no doubt realise, Hamachi has, of late, been infected by a horrible cancer.
His name is Samuel.
Of course, to simply name him a mere cancer is not enough. In terms of stupidity, he is what Jaws from James Bond was to Stephen Hawking (after James Bond shot him into space to suffocate in a vacuum). To call him arrogant and absurd would be akin to calling space travel "not particularly easy" and to quantify his level of skill at IC would require a conglomerate of every single negative adjective in every language in the entire history of mankind and would also involve a slur against Visser's mother.
This Samuel (the 'space-cancer', if you will) is either trolLester in disguise or cleverbot with Impossible Creatures installed. Seriously, he shits me to tears. Visser, Matt, you know what I mean.
This is a kid whose first words to the Hamachi community were something like "I was a God at this game when it first came out" (also he's 13, so... You do the math. He was excellent at IC before he could read) and who then went on to challenge every single person in the damn world (and get soundly thumped by every single one of them). He's so bad visser beat him at level 5 with nothing but bombardemmings. And then we did it again, except I beat him with bombardemmings with lemming tails, the aim being to see how many origami cranes I could fold and still beat Sam in under 10 minutes (5 cranes, by the way. It was a slow day).
It also took us an hour or so to get him set up in Tellurian, because every step of the way he stopped us and said "No no you're wrong I know where to put the files".
My favourite thing about Sam Spacecancer, though, is his ability to stand by the most outlandish lies I've ever heard on IC. We played a game today, 2v2ing some hard AI's (in a game I like to call "Try Your Best to Save Sam From Dying". It's a very difficult game because it's really hard to not powerfuck his lab yourself when he starts swearing at you for building a creature chamber in his base). I failed to save Sam from dying. Afterwards he had a bit of a bitch, said he was awesome some more, and asked for a rematch. It was at this point I realised that someone had to teach him how to play IC (even though he's totally a God at it. He doesn't know what gyrocopters are, by the way), and, as one of the worst players on the game, that someone should definitely be me. So I told him to go and verse a moderate AI until he could beat it, working his way up to hard.
He came back a half hour later, saying he was beating experts, easy. I had a hearty laugh and pulled a "You dumb fuck" face that I regret he could not see, this being the internet at all, and called him on his bullshit. So naturally he said "NO NO IT'S TRUE YOU ARE A WHITE NEANDERTHAL [he does that a bunch, by the way]," and challenged me to a rematch. I did the same again, 2v2 against hards. I remember him in the lobby, saying "This army killed an expert in 20 minutes easy," and "its like lucys army but better becuase im ognna have horns and speed."
Ten minutes in, his lab was surrounded by shield bug snails. "THIS AINT OVER," he cries, "FUCK YOU brah IM OGNNA BEAT THEM ALL." At which point this valiant, valiant young man went to his creature chamber and produced [-- oh hang on I'm watching him talk on Hamachi right now. Fuck my life. He's exclaiming that his army is "POWERFUL AT tea". That's adorable--] what is probably the least effective level 2 of all time. He batshite a herculesardier beetle. All bombardier with herc head and front legs. I mean, shit. Me and Matt spend half our time coming up with the worst combinations we can think of. This tops pretty much all of them in one horrible, horrible swoop.
What does he do with his level 2 artillery?
Same thing he always does with his artillery.
Walks it into the middle of the enemy lines.
I've watched him do this against tapir ants ("Dude, those tapir ants are coming. Your artillery is right there. RIGHT THERE. Just... Defend yourself!" *Walks hyenimps into the tapir ants. Brutal slaughter ensues*. Some glitch in the AI causes the tapir ants to break and retreat, even though there's 9 or them and one remaining Hyenimp. "What the hell did you just do with that artillery? That's the worst tactic I've ever seen." "THEY'RE RUNNING AWAY THO SO I AM BEST WHY ELSE WOULD THEY DO THAT," "Shit, I dunno, maybe they're allergic to stupid." Direct quotes. Capitalization added for effect). Shit, I've watched him do this against chameleon sharks. This is range-- i.e. specifically what artillery is designed to destroy.
And through all of this-- ALL of it-- he sits there yelling about how awesome he is and how he's about to beat everyone.
When he loses, he tends to blame the mod ("tellurian is stupid there snails its not about strategy anymore tis about creatures," "No, it's about both. You can't do either.") which is compleeeetely understandable and justifiable.
Dear lord, now he's trying to convince us that he speaks 18 languages (Bangkok is not a language) and that the mean IQ of ten year olds in China is 140. I don't even. Just. What?
Honestly I'm done. I can't even type anymore. This kid just defies any kind of explanation. Two hours ago he insulted me for my low ping.
But still. Anyone who gets the chance, ACCEPT HIS CHALLENGE. You will not regret it. Because truly, he is the biggest retard in the history of the game, and I am including myself. Seriously, just to see the constern.ation in his text when you send a single flier into his base and he has absolutely no idea what to do about it... It's pretty fucking priceless.
I hereby dedicate this thread to replays of games with Sam. Visser, bombardemmings. Do it.
His name is Samuel.
Of course, to simply name him a mere cancer is not enough. In terms of stupidity, he is what Jaws from James Bond was to Stephen Hawking (after James Bond shot him into space to suffocate in a vacuum). To call him arrogant and absurd would be akin to calling space travel "not particularly easy" and to quantify his level of skill at IC would require a conglomerate of every single negative adjective in every language in the entire history of mankind and would also involve a slur against Visser's mother.
This Samuel (the 'space-cancer', if you will) is either trolLester in disguise or cleverbot with Impossible Creatures installed. Seriously, he shits me to tears. Visser, Matt, you know what I mean.
This is a kid whose first words to the Hamachi community were something like "I was a God at this game when it first came out" (also he's 13, so... You do the math. He was excellent at IC before he could read) and who then went on to challenge every single person in the damn world (and get soundly thumped by every single one of them). He's so bad visser beat him at level 5 with nothing but bombardemmings. And then we did it again, except I beat him with bombardemmings with lemming tails, the aim being to see how many origami cranes I could fold and still beat Sam in under 10 minutes (5 cranes, by the way. It was a slow day).
It also took us an hour or so to get him set up in Tellurian, because every step of the way he stopped us and said "No no you're wrong I know where to put the files".
My favourite thing about Sam Spacecancer, though, is his ability to stand by the most outlandish lies I've ever heard on IC. We played a game today, 2v2ing some hard AI's (in a game I like to call "Try Your Best to Save Sam From Dying". It's a very difficult game because it's really hard to not powerfuck his lab yourself when he starts swearing at you for building a creature chamber in his base). I failed to save Sam from dying. Afterwards he had a bit of a bitch, said he was awesome some more, and asked for a rematch. It was at this point I realised that someone had to teach him how to play IC (even though he's totally a God at it. He doesn't know what gyrocopters are, by the way), and, as one of the worst players on the game, that someone should definitely be me. So I told him to go and verse a moderate AI until he could beat it, working his way up to hard.
He came back a half hour later, saying he was beating experts, easy. I had a hearty laugh and pulled a "You dumb fuck" face that I regret he could not see, this being the internet at all, and called him on his bullshit. So naturally he said "NO NO IT'S TRUE YOU ARE A WHITE NEANDERTHAL [he does that a bunch, by the way]," and challenged me to a rematch. I did the same again, 2v2 against hards. I remember him in the lobby, saying "This army killed an expert in 20 minutes easy," and "its like lucys army but better becuase im ognna have horns and speed."
Ten minutes in, his lab was surrounded by shield bug snails. "THIS AINT OVER," he cries, "FUCK YOU brah IM OGNNA BEAT THEM ALL." At which point this valiant, valiant young man went to his creature chamber and produced [-- oh hang on I'm watching him talk on Hamachi right now. Fuck my life. He's exclaiming that his army is "POWERFUL AT tea". That's adorable--] what is probably the least effective level 2 of all time. He batshite a herculesardier beetle. All bombardier with herc head and front legs. I mean, shit. Me and Matt spend half our time coming up with the worst combinations we can think of. This tops pretty much all of them in one horrible, horrible swoop.
What does he do with his level 2 artillery?
Same thing he always does with his artillery.
Walks it into the middle of the enemy lines.
I've watched him do this against tapir ants ("Dude, those tapir ants are coming. Your artillery is right there. RIGHT THERE. Just... Defend yourself!" *Walks hyenimps into the tapir ants. Brutal slaughter ensues*. Some glitch in the AI causes the tapir ants to break and retreat, even though there's 9 or them and one remaining Hyenimp. "What the hell did you just do with that artillery? That's the worst tactic I've ever seen." "THEY'RE RUNNING AWAY THO SO I AM BEST WHY ELSE WOULD THEY DO THAT," "Shit, I dunno, maybe they're allergic to stupid." Direct quotes. Capitalization added for effect). Shit, I've watched him do this against chameleon sharks. This is range-- i.e. specifically what artillery is designed to destroy.
And through all of this-- ALL of it-- he sits there yelling about how awesome he is and how he's about to beat everyone.
When he loses, he tends to blame the mod ("tellurian is stupid there snails its not about strategy anymore tis about creatures," "No, it's about both. You can't do either.") which is compleeeetely understandable and justifiable.
Dear lord, now he's trying to convince us that he speaks 18 languages (Bangkok is not a language) and that the mean IQ of ten year olds in China is 140. I don't even. Just. What?
Honestly I'm done. I can't even type anymore. This kid just defies any kind of explanation. Two hours ago he insulted me for my low ping.
But still. Anyone who gets the chance, ACCEPT HIS CHALLENGE. You will not regret it. Because truly, he is the biggest retard in the history of the game, and I am including myself. Seriously, just to see the constern.ation in his text when you send a single flier into his base and he has absolutely no idea what to do about it... It's pretty fucking priceless.
I hereby dedicate this thread to replays of games with Sam. Visser, bombardemmings. Do it.
