Post by Byamarro on Apr 29, 2011 9:46:38 GMT
1. If you drop cheese in whiskey, it becomes a cat.
2. Sometimes dinosaurs emerge from the soil and rampage through New York.
3. Matt is cool.
4. If you dip Mute in hot wax, he becomes an amphibian.
5. An average snooker table hates darts.
6. George Bush used to have traing boxing fleas.
7. Polar bears live in the north because if they lived anywhere else they would turn green.
8. If penguins had the chance, they would love to eat Polar bears.
9. Chinese people don't actually eat chinese food; they order vietnamese takeaways.
10. The two toed sloth keeps a spare foot in a bush.
11. Houseflies like micheal jackson.
12. Flowers grow faster dead.
13. Brain cells sometimes dress up and go out on a rampage, murdering bartenders.
14. Tutankhamun was actually a woman.
15. The word "jernugnug" has been shown to turn faeces yellow.
16. The highest IQ on any person was 812 on a small child called will (D:). Sadly, he was executed due to ludicrous hair size.
17. The strongest bear killed a blue whale just by looking at its baby.
18. Baby dalmations can give people epileptic fits.
19. Gravy can be used as oven cleaner.
20. When someone asks to pass the salt, they really want to be hit with a pointy stick.
21. Eggs are actually demons.
22. The periodic table is actually a secret code that, if deciphered, will show the user how to get to a button that catapults russia into the sun.
23. Bill and ben (The flowerpot men) Playing in the garden, playing with their friends.
24. All these facts are 100% true.
26. The word 'lol' first originated from the 16th century, believed to have meant 'Lots of Ladies'.
27. Fact 25 contained information about area 51, and was removed
28. Goats are technically illegal in Uzbekistan.
29. If you could lick your elbow, you would die of pneumonia.
30. massive black penis' up my anus.
31. will (D:) can edit posts now because Matt is a benevolent God-King.
32. Did you know a kiss that lasts for a minute burns 37 calories? And chasing ShadZ around with a pointy stick burns 212?
33. It is physically impossible to throw forks at a suicidal crab.
34. I drink calligrapher's ink, because if I ever have to write in my own blood I want it to be presentable.
35. He makes love like an eagle falling out of the sky;
36. Killed his sensei in a duel and he never said whyyyyy.
25. Take a left at McDonald's and just keep going.
37. Tapirs enjoy puzzles and capes.
38. Love is actually defined, in most classical annals, as the willingness to bathe in live eels from the Fjords.
39. Fjords is an even better word than youg.
40. No current dictionary can define the word "Irony".
41. Dwarves have an unpleasant habit of throwing wasps at birds.
42. Birds die on contact with wasps.
43. It is possible for calculators to breed.
44. Dead birds can land on bald heads.
45. Water bears enjoy dancing under the carpet.
46. Dr. Seuss invented the defibrillatior.
47. If a dead bird comes in contact with baldness, they join.
48. A bald HERP with a bird fused to his head is not a pleasant sight.
49. If you coat hamsters in sugar they taste like liquorice
50. Liquorice is disgusting.
51. Liquorice is disgusting.
52. It's a little known fact that piglet squids are capable of speech. Hard to talk underwater though.
53. Give sea monkeys gunpowder and waterproof matches and they evolve a level of sentience unmatched by puny mortal "man".
54. If you can topple a terrapin at just the right time, a little hatch will pop open on it's underbelly and one of those little music-box ballerinas will emerge to the tune of "Where Is My Mind" by The Pixies.
55. Delirium's real name is Primrose.
56. Tissues, in a miracle of recycling, are made from congealed and woven snot.
57. MONEY BOXES SHAPED LIKE PIGLETS ARE SOMETIMES ACTUAL PIGLETS. DON'T BE FOOLED!
58. I got arrested for trying to push a coin into a piglet's back =/.
59. I mean, once I found 50 cents in my bacon, so I can't be the only one.
60. If you poke a sheep with the nosecone from the Apollo space shuttle, it will tell you President Nixon's secret first name. This is one of many easter eggs left by God.
61. If you poke a cow with the nosecone from the Apollo space shuttle, it will slay your family. This is one of many easter eggs left by God.
62. If you eat faeces, you will live a long and happy life.
63. 92% of people are disturbed by onions, but are too embarrased to admit.
64. Nine.
65. If Morgan Freeman had a child with Chuck Norris, many people would laugh at them.
66. If you laugh at Chuck Norris...
67. HUELL HOWSER
68. Similar to sloths, Flamingoes keep a spare beak and leg in a pond.
69. Eagles are the same upside down, much like old elephants.
70. Jumbo jets are usually green, but are seen as white due to the bits of cloud that clings on to them.
71. Baseball caps are made from a combination of sea anemones and the terrified screams of Norwegian villagers when confronted with the Walrussian horde.
72. Walrussians are Russian walrusses riding bear cavalry. The bear steeds are made of malicious thoughts from the mind of an enraged prawn.
73. Cohesive sentences are the enemy of progress.
74. It's physically impossible to type the "%" symbol.
75. The English language has no word to describe cold.
76. Sargon, Hammurabi, Ashurbanipal and Gilgamesh were all known to be sub-par backgammon players. Largely because they only ever practiced with a crippled albatross.
78. Crippled albatrosses can't play backgammon.
79. But they can with cybernetic upgrades...
80. OFUCK THE ROBALBATROSSES ARE COMING! OFFER YOUR CHILDREN TO QUETZALCOATL!
81. Robalbatrosses are part bird.
82. See 42.
83. Robabaltrosses don't die.
84. The robalbatrosszombiepocalypse is coming.
85. Wheat is the most contagious plant in the world.
86. Wheat is the most plant like contagion in the world.
87. Notebooks with red front covers are made from a squeezed baconbird.
88. All notebooks have red covers.
89. 8 is the only number that can be written with a slight pucker.
90. The word 'genome' used to have 4 silent 'w's in it.
91. The word "Gwyneth" still has a silent 'w' in it.
92. Sex is better with yarn. Also yams.
93. Don't ask how I know that.
94. Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a spider corn.
95. A bilby's eyes are actually just two ends of a hollow cyllinder-- if you poke a pencil into one, it will eventually come out the other, leaving the animal completely unharmed.
96. Sticking pencils into marsupial eyes is still illegal.
97. Lungfish are actually lungs that have abandoned the human body for the life aquatica.
98. Montegaul P. Shaftenwell is the greatest porn-name of all time.
99. Wells were made to be broken.
100. A roadcone, when propelled into space, will be in space.
101. Dalmations.
102. If you yank a poodle's fur, it hums moonlight sonata.
103. Sex is better with squid.
104. In fact, any mollusc'll do.
105. Dont let that fool fool you with his talk of yarn and yams.
106. Don't ask.
107. If the oldest HERP in the world died, his first name would become the new square root of pi.
108. Pi is about 9.6
109. If you want to dance in the street, buy a gherkin crusher.
110. The '!' symbol is legal in arabia, but only if you use a curved line.
111. Cynical sea slugs are difficult to get along with, but if you can surmount the language barrier, they are loyal companions and advisers.
112. Unlike most molluscs, cynical sea slugs never frollick. If it's frollicking you want, find a slug.
113. Bambi shot himself after he was outfrollicked by a slug.
114. The movie adaption wasn't all that true to life.
115. ahm the last of the big-time spenders.
116. Though wallets can fit in iPod boxes, they make poor substitutes.
117. The dinosaurs were wiped out as a consequence of early time-travel experiments.
118. Thankfully they were technologically advanced enough to have colonized the moon beforehand.
119. Neil Armstrong never made it back to Earth. Imagine Jurassic Park, in space. Fuck yeah.
120. Fact 120 was removed for your protection. But then we put it back in anyway.
121. will (D:) is a noob
122. See 24.
123. Four five six.
124. If you grate an onion, be sure to empty the remains into a BIN.
125. Definitely don't use the remains for sex.
126. 97% of the world's population cannot count over 96445097.
127. Those who can are hunted down by the FBI.
128. You need lots of expansions for a healthy economy.
129. Potato bakes have at least 40 lumps of desert hare in them.
130. Ten percent of all children smoke chicken faeces.
131. Moths are attracted to flames purely due to the fact that they're all horribly depressed.
132. If you crack open a flourescent light globe, all the sparkly pixies will escape.
133.7
134. Demons are actually eggs.
135. Malted puppies taste better than you'd expect.
136. You can herp as many derps as you want, but never, under any circumstance, should you derp a herp. Mostly because it summons Wolverale back.
137. Wolverale's a bit of a rope.
138. Your mother is a bit of a rope.
139. Your FACE is a bit of a rope.
140. Words hurt too.
141. If you drop a film canister in a prison, you will get frakkeet.
142. You dont want to get frakkeet.
143. Trust me.
144. Depressed moles sell cows.
145. If you ask a soprano to cheese, he will certainly die.
146. If you ask a soprano cheese to die, will he certainly?
147. Certainly, if you ask a soprano cheese to, he will die.
148. Come to think mof it, should we really be torturing these soprano cheeses?
149. Bagels have ketchup in pores.
150. Dinosaurs ate grass.
151. Frakkeet is kinkybuttsecs, by the way.
152. I just... Felt like I should point that out. In case any of you were curious. You know. For safety's sake.
153. Getting in a fridge will totally save you from a nuke.
154. Getting in a nuke will fridge you totally from a save.
155. Soft serve icecream-- what is it? We just don't know.
156. Sometimes the internet lies to you. But not me. Oh no. Our love is far too pure for that. We love each other. Don't we? Don't we love each other?
157. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. But what if the bush has hands?
158. ... And then the bush went to jail for fondling pelicans. Which raised a slew of questions, destined never to be answered.
159. HELP! ahm TRAPPED IN A T-SHIRT FACTORY.
160. Bostitch? I think so.
161. Faces have noses attached to them.
162. Vikings live in norway.
163. Present is the correct tense when referring to vikings.
164. Ten.
165. An infinite number of powerangers can fit in a shoebox.
166. Pick up sticks.
167. Twenty more to got :3.
168. Oh my, Lyons and Tygers and Beers!
169. Moonlight will kill you.
170. Shrimp will kill you.
171. The tickets are now diamonds.
172. This is too shiney. It's all... Just... It's too shiney.
173. HAF YOU SEEN THA MUFFIN HERP? He's wanted on three counts of rape.
174. I once saw a gingerbread HERP pleasuring himself. I ate him anyway. Does that make me wierd? OR A VISIONARY!?
175. Typing "FUCK! THERE'S A JELLYFISH IN MY FRGARGLE!" three times creates a localized black hole that can fold our entire number system by about ten numbers.
176. Like so: "FUCK! THERE'S A JELLYFISH IN MY FRGARGLE!" "FUCK! THERE'S A JELLYFISH IN MY FRGARGLE!" "FUCK! THERE'S A JELLYFISH IN MY FRGARGLE!".
187. will (D:) is the ultimate manipulator of space and time. Suck my balls, David Tennant.
188. Witches are made from pyrethrum powder. When burned, they act like mosquito coils...
189. But we all pretended it was because they were agents of Satan. Seriously, though, mosquitos are that annoying. Am I right?
190. Sean Connery is actually an alien sent to enslave the female half of the human race with his incredibly tufty tresses of chest-hair.
191. Rearrange the letters in the word 'gangrape' and you get 'puglin'
192. If you try to bend space and time, you can grow excess body hair.
193. Unless your name is Matt.
194. George Bush once said; "Ambush, that is, Bush, I am."
195. Blue dirigibles are allergic to cancer.
196. "FUCK! THERE'S A JELLYFISH IN MY FRGARGLE!" "FUCK! THERE'S A JELLYFISH IN MY FRGARGLE!" "FUCK! THERE'S A JELLYFISH IN MY FRGARGLE!".
177. Because 196 - 10 = 177!
178. Forks have brains.
179. Just dont let them realise.
180. Grapefruit is very very tasty.
181. In a bad way.
182. What's that I hear around the bend? A CONVERGENCE IN SPACE-TIME?
183. OH FUCK THIS IS GOING TO GET HAIRY.
184. IIIIIINCOOOMMIIIIINGG--
185. Wait-- Where'd this jellyfish come from? Why is it-- OH SHIT WHAT IS IT-- NOT MY FRGARGLE!
186. "FUCK! THERE'S A JELLYFISH IN MY FRGARGLE!" "FUCK! THERE'S A JELLYFISH IN MY FRGARGLE!" "FUCK! THERE'S A JELLYFISH IN MY FRGARGLE!"
197. Well... THAT was a fortunate turn of events. Convergence avoided, I guess. Thanks, Mister Jellyfish!
198. ... And that's how our heroes learnt that fucking with space and time can have dire consequences.
199. That you can avoid by carrying an extraordinarilly poisonous sea-creature around with you at all times.
200. Can't hold back Quite so many Persians, but it's just as homoerotic.
201. Star wars was based on a true story.
202. Frgargles are expensive.
203. Very difficult to replace.
204. WHich is why you dont let jellyfish at them.
205. FUCK, THERES A JELLYFISH IN MY FR-
206. Lets not go back into that.
207. The average pool table is an avid darts fan.
208. Darts are known to murder pool tables accidentally by mistaking them for snooker tables.
209. Snooker tables deserve to be murdered.
210. Happy chickens dance in the street WITHOUT A GHERKIN(!)
211. Baconberries-- they turn people into bacon repositories. And that's where pigs come from.
212. The meaning of life is prrrrrrrr. Ock ock.
213. CAKE TIN!? YOU FUCKING COMMUNIST WHORE! I CAN'T BELIEVE I TRUSTED YOU. I CAN'T BELIEVE I LOVED YOU!
214. Did you know that the Apollo space mission was compromised when it was revealed Osama had actually snuck on board the capsule?
215. That's where he's been hiding all these years. On the moon. Actually seriously though.
216. The Easter Bunny was invented before evolution got it's facts straight. It was pretty funny when natural selection finally realised that bunnies don't lay eggs.
217. Demons come from Hell. Thus hen genitalia is Hell.
218. Truth is a lie; trust only falsity. Except don't trust false teeth though.
219. Too nineteen? Probably. BUT ahm STILL LISTENING TO BJORK.
220. ... They are not so clever.
221. If you let demons hatch then they will overpopulate.
222. TOO TOO TOO?
223. Chinese families share one very large shoe.
224. Iraq is full of polystyrene
225. Wrong McDonalds.
226. Drunk people die less than undrunk people.
227. 40% of cheese is stolen.
228. If you fed a dragon pineapple, it would catch syphilis.
229. A flying cow is generally more active than a housefly.
230. The word 'gonad' has 8 testicles.
231. The word 'testicles' has, itself, 8 gonads. Thus, an exponential tree is formed-- scientists call this the "pear tree".
232. Not to be confused with the somewhat less ferocious bear tree.
233. In winter, the bear tree becomes a bare tree. And then falls asleep.
234. Stoopid trees. How you gunna photosynthesize with no leafs?
235. LISTS CAN BE LOOOOONG.
236. It is possible to jump so high you touch the sky-- but only if you time it just right, and only if gravity happens to reverse.
237. Gravyty is not to be confused with gravity. Gravyty is an altogether tastier beast, found only on the gravy planet, Gravox.
238. Toothy ate?
239. Tail ale is best served from pale grails, over bales to hale males.
240. Ominous organ music generally signifies the rapid approach of a Scottsman with tentacles for a beard. The Chernobyl beard-conditioner plant quickly went out of business.
241. Gravy is illegal in texas.
242. Gravity is illegal in Iowa
243. If you glue a pond skater to a plant, it becomes a leaf.
244. Insect based leaves kill plants.
245. And people.
246. If you go rollerskating in a buffalo herd, you might grow an additional head.
247. Additional heads can be somewhat bitter, and like to make snide remarks.
248. Homo Erectus was named because they were turned on by other men.
249. There were no female Homo Erectus.
250. Area 51 is at THAT McDonalds, batfucking.
251. Lol.
252. These facts.
253. They stack to make...
254. Well. Something... Something...
255. Something vaguely resembling some kinda...
256. I dunno. Kind of like a mastaba but smoother, more gradual...
257. I guess you'd call it some sort of triangular shape. With flat sides. More of a structure.
258. ahm sure there's a name for a structure with a triangular shape. Like... I guess a kind of a... triangulid?
259. No wait. Wait up. Hang on, I've got this. It's right on the tip of my tongue. Those funny people made them. A PYRAMID!
260. Uhh... By the way... Uh... Frogs hop backwards during a solar eclipse. And FORWARD during a lunar eclipse. Which is seriously weird.
261. This is a fucking wierd pyramid.
262. Frogs eat bacon in different angles depending on the current phase of the moon.
263. Sausages.
264. Eleven.
265. When you fry peas, peas fry.
266. Stephen Fry is a pea.
267. Which makes him fried.
268. WAIT, WHAT?!
269. FUCK! THERES A JELLYFISH IN MY FRGARGLE!
270. FUCK! THERES A JELLYFISH IN MY FRGARGLE!
271. THERE! MY JELLYFISH FUCKS IN A FRGARGLE!
272. No black holes today. Krakens have a fuckton of teeth.
273. ... And then Jesus said, "Hey guys. Let's write a joke book!"
274. Cat does not have any facts to add to this list.
275. Nor do either of my cats.
276. ahm slow.
277. I guess I am the sky I should have found my way out, so that everyone could find their way out.
278. I can't type all anymore. It comes out as lal.
279. When amoebas get together they replicate and have wicked clone wars.
280. Collagen is for the weak. And the single-celled.
281. Hands only have 1 bone in them.
282. CC.
283. 67 is the only number with 14.4 syllables
284. Cats have large tumours.
285. DAAAANCEE!
286. Mah maw once told me bad people have 3 beards.
287. She was very wise.
288. If you look closely at the letter 'z' you can see large amounts of sarcasm.
289. Jesus told me my father was a beaver.
290. Fode, beck nud nud, geade.
291. Freud was also an excellent spider.
292. Spiders, on the other hand, make poor psychiatrists.
293. Unless you give them cybernetic implants.
294. AND THEN THE CYDERS TOOK OVER THE WORLD. BUT NOBODY TOOK THEM SERIOUSLY BECAUSE OF THEIR NAME.
295. The inevitable clash between cyders and robotrosses was majestic-- a conflagration that spanned the heavens and spilled down to the earth.
296. It annihalated civillisation and lapped like a deathly tide at the pinkie-toes of the shattered remnants of mankind, who clung on until the war finally passed...
297. But then they invented lobstrons and basically got fucked right over.
298. Bear cavalry? MO' LIKE BURR CAVALRY 'CUZ BURRS DON'T MOVE AND THEY CAN GET STUCK IN YOUR CLOTHES SO YOU CARRY THEM ABOUT WITHOUT REALISING!
299. OPEN THE DOOR, GET ON THE FLOOR, EVERYBODY DO THE SAFETY DANS.
300. The sequel, 300 men 1 cup, was decidedly less successful. But equally homoerotic.
301. Throw that thing!
302. You don't want to know what that 'thing' is.
303. Lets just say it practices frakkeet
304. (kinkybuttsecks)
305. I think you want that thing.
306. massive black penis up my anus style.
307. Anteaters have four nipples.
308. Ghordes of Gherkings took over earth!
309. Cybergherkins.
310. I can smell the ocean!
311. Your mother smells like the ocean. 'Cuz she's a fushie.
312. Not a majestic fushie either. Like a neon tetra. Pretty but tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiny.
313. I don't like symmetrical numbers that aren't symmetrical.
314. Error 404: Fact not found.
315. Pigs have like 16 nipples. Hang on, I'll google pig nipples.
316. Huh, damn. Up to 14 nipples. Oh well, it was a guess.
317. Most only have 8 or 10 though. That's wierd, that some just happen to have more nipples than others. In people, we'd call that Awesome.
318. I AM FRANK, MALICIOUSLY BENEVOLENT GOD-KING OF THE SAND GRAINS. FLITTER BEFORE MY INFLUENCE!
319. breadfish.co.uk/
320. Lol can't believe I googled pig nipples.
321. Zero
322. 314 was actually pi but we have not enough bandwidth.
323. Daddy said not to eat bacon.
324. THEM BAYCUNBURDS WANNA FITE?
325. I bet you are a fan of electrocuting beetles.
326. Ghod (not god) Made the moon in 28 days.
327. He was a lazy bastard.
328. Ghawd made an asteroid in 167 years.
329. He was even lazier.
330. Turkeys ambush turks.
331. And then Pepe said, "Don't go in there! Eez not a bacon tree! Eez a Hambush!".
332. Google "The Blooooooooooooop".
333. Gay men fart rainbows.
334. Pour out alphabet soup onto the surface of the moon and when it lands it spells out the first testament.
335. If a frog ever mews as would a hispanic cat, the breadfish apocalypse is nigh.
336. It is written in the book of Mythos that on the tenth day of the Denouement of Lament, the Legendary Phoenix will rise from the flames of London and the world will be born anew.
337. Throw a computer mouse into a bath and give it a few million years and it will evolve into a computer-whale.
338. Computer whales have laser tongues.
339. Omo: Small and Mighty laundry detergent is a delicious treat for the whole family.
340. Breadfish's distant relative, the Muffinsponge, is decidedly less cool.
341. If you dunk a dinosaur into a tarpit, gmail send all users a promotional email.
342. Witches are legible to make a claim, no matter what the circumstances.
343. You little eyeball freak!
344. I plan to evolve into pure energy and move temporal plane cuz my neighbors are ridiculous.
345. Six seven eight nine.
346. 93% or the worlds population (6/3rds) are allerging to people who allergic to people with hay fever.
347. I am iron HERP!
348. Sixty four is coming.
349. If you drop a wheelchair and let it be claimed by the youg, you will catch chronic hiccups.
350. Seventy people prefer the word noben to youg.
351. Seventy people are idiots. Not necessarily the same ones though. But totally the same ones.
352. HULIGANJETTA!
353. ahm a foreigner. And ahm walking through your streets.
354. Ping pong balls are immune to hydrochloric acid, in the sense that they move quickly enough to dodge any molecular contact.
355. Ping pong balls are the reason behind the extinction of an entire species-- they are, in effect, severed dodo balls.
356. The tastiest meat of all is said to come from the Lion's Mane jellyfish-- but it's notoriously tough.
357. Acceleration due to gravity is proportional to weight-- the heavier something is, the faster it falls. Thus, the Earth cannot be revolving around the sun, as the sun is made of hydrogen gas and thus falls through space more slowly.
358. The citizens of Krakatoa turned the tragedy that decimated their island right around by initializing an extremely profitable lava lamp business.
359. Two tears in a bucket, motherfuck it!
360. Degrees centigrade in a circle.
361. Many people use colons when a semicolon would do just as well. This is a waste of resources.
362. If termites infest buildings, an african woman shouts MUDGARRY.
363. Cats can grow an extra tail if they sing.
364. Twelve
365. A year should actually be 433 days, but nobody likes that idea.
366. Most people are idiots.
367. 94% of most people are stupider than the other 18%
368. Ducks are allergic to snot.
369. Ducks are covered in snot.
370. Ducks die prematurely.
371. will (D:) can completely dissassemble a smoke alarm in his sleep.
372. Apparently there's a $300 fine for dissassembling a smoke alarm.
373. V.V.
374. ... Anyway. Bokononism is a cool religion. Wish it was real.
375. ahm a bit of a fan of Cat's Cradle in general.
376. If you put a sock on an epilleptic pinniped's head, it will gain sentience... And then it will come for you.
377. And not in a good way.
378. I once saw a stockinged walrus mow a HERP down with his own car.
379. There are only 379 numbers in the world.
. OH GOD I'VE FALLEN OFF THE NUMERICAL PRECIPICE! Somebody hold me D:. These are uncharted waters...
. Numbers are boring now.
. I dont know why we had them in the first place.
. They aren't even necessary.
. ... How far are we now?
384. I found it.
385. ahm lying by the way.
387. Back up to speed now!
388. Four oh nine.
389. If cats dance they grow an extra ear.
390. Brentelodonts were small pigs with big egos.
391. Kurt Vonnegut is a genius. Cat's Cradle is an incredible book.
392. Four One One Zero.
393. Badger.
394. Badger.
395. Badger.
396. Badger.
397. MUUU-SHROOM!
398. MUUU-SHROOM!
399. God was surely trying to kill them, possibly because He was through with them, and they should have the good manners to die. This, as you can see, they did.
400. My Grandma's little dog had to have her eye removed. Poor little thing <=|.
401. If china were any bigger, continents would be made of dust.
402. Continents are made of dust anyway.
403. Gorgonopsids are allergic to packing foam.
404. Fact unemployed.
405. Ghetto Scotsmen have 47 APM whilst asleep.
406. Cheese is illegal in texas.
407. Gorge Clewnie is a famous actress.
408. Nice glasses, hun.
409. Nosetampons dont work.
410. Only 57.8 till we have a sandbox!
411. Newton was a cad.
412. Axolotls are salamanders with hair.
413. Comin' out of my cage
414 And I been doin' just fine.
415. God I gotta be damned, because I want it all.
416. Started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this--
417. It was only a kiss-- it was only a kiss.
418. Chocolate bilbies don't taste as nice as the real thing.
419. Pimply pimples .
420. I need an appendix donor.
421. Appendectomies are illegal in Iowa.
422. Why frog, why?
423. $90 kid.
424. You win.
425. I lied.
426. You actually lost.
427. John Cleese is allergic to peanut butter.
428. YOU'RE an epithelial.
429. You made it this far. Congratulations.
430. Geee beats geee.
431. That doesn't seem physically possible. Unless 1 > 1 nowadays.
432. Ah, log. My ollllld nemesis.
433. Logalogalogalogalogalogalogalogalog.
434. See? I sound like a shrew.
435. Feeling down? Buy a hot air balloon, pansy.
436. Aperture Science: We do what we must, because we can.
437. Skrillex is shit. Well, not very good, anyway.
438. Stray cats are not at all fond of hobos, with or without jackets. This surprises me.
439. You are a hotty.
440. Error: found Fact not.
441. Broken tadpoles have witch fingers and can sweep evening gowns.
442. Al Gore hates peanuts
443. Old people have wrinky feet
444. Fore!
445. 96% of gorillas have fingernails.
446. Tapir porn is legit.
447. I like tea coffee tea rings.
448. I lied.
449. Gertrude finklebottom eats peanuts.
450. I am a walnut hair.
451. Viscera is just another way to say "I love you".
452. Russians have no word for pain.
453. They just say "Ow".
454. spacebar???
455. DAAAAAAAAMN YOUUUUUUU SWEEEEDEEEN.
456. Facebook was much more time-consuming before it was digitized.
457. YOU CAN'T TOUCH THAT because you need moar faarms.
458. I was just contracted to design a small underwater treadmill for a chihuaha. I honestly shit you not.
459. Please, please, pleases, shave that beard.
460. Oh Mark. You so Antony.
461. My name is champignon and I am a mushroom.
462. Gorgonzola is an odd cheese.
463. Geese like chocolate apples.
464. Thirteen
465. 77% of all children hate fat people.
466. If you eat a gibbon's testicle, you get lung cancer
467. Scientists have shown that people with funny names are 96% more likely to be teased at school.
468. Studies show that all cases of death are fatal.
469. UNCLE ANDROSS.
470. Fode chum bang tom.
471. Take a cup. Fill it with elbow grease. You'll see.
472. JATZ. CRACKAAAAAZ.
473. Celery-- mundane vegetable or alien rock formation with latent supernatural abilities? We just don't know.
474. Rocks-- what are they? Are some celery? Are Mexicans rocks? Or are some rocks Mexicans?
475. Go to Guadalcanal. Yesterday night, 1am. I'll be standing on the airstrip. Bring a tranceiver radio and a bag of puppies.
476. ... You didn't show up. What the hell? Do you get a kick out of being this much of an asshole? Do you know how hard it is to get out to Guadalcanal?
477. Thus is our treaty written; thus is agreement made.
478. Ucrepuscular brah?
479. Philodendrons. Got one? No you don't. I do. Bitch.
480. Man, we have such good times together, me and ol' Leafy. I'll show you our holiday snaps. You'll be so jealous.
481. Herr Von Lichen is a fungal growth.
482. I have a tumour shaped like a vagina.
483. It's on my face.
484. Giant Carl!
485. Bon jovi are old.
486. Australian music lacks didgeridooooooooos.
487. Eeeh does not equal MC Hammer.
488. Cheese is illegal in ARRKANCEAY.
489. Purple socks!
490. Gosh you so chewing gum.
491. Pina colada ON A STRING.
492. Popes-- known to circle happless victims of shipwrecks and sing unto them hauntingly beatiful melodies.
493. Stoning has never been the same since hippies came along.
494. Visser just found a new player on Gameranger. In his first game ExtremePlayer, his teammate, stabbed him in the back with kangon frogs.
495. Yea asshole.
496. Byam just PM'ed me saying my model was wrong because kitchenaid mole rats don't have ears. They do >.>.
497. With porcelain eyes, and the mind of a monkey...
498. WOOP. WOOP.
499. I have in my possession some yarn, pickpocketed from Phillip Watson years ago. I still look at it sometimes and chuckle.
500. HALFWAY THERE? YEAHPRO.
501. WE'VE COME SO FAR.
502. Could've brought a tear to my eye.
503. But I don't have feelings.
504. That's why I gave my ugly son to the juggling bears.
505. I mean seriously.
506. He was reeeeealllly ugly.
507. Imagine a sunburnt walrus.
508. Picture its anus.
509. Give it features and a stupid haircut and voila! You have him.
510. Last I saw of him he was getting silicon knees.
511. Several species of nutmeg go out hunting in the winter.
512. Quolls have too few nipples.
513. If you set whisky on fire, Zombiescots come and steal your firstborn.
514. If you dont have a firstborn, then they take your testicles.
515. Like an underwater bagel.
516. Buttering a jam sandwich breaks the second dimension.
517. The square root of -1 is actually MAMAMAMAMACAAANANA.
518. Charlie sheen cannot come in contact with nasal hair.
519. Very fat people die old.
520. Minus one, habadashere.
521. This Byam must be a very intelligent HERP.
522. Ba Baa, Ba ba ba. Muh nah muh nah. Ba Baa baa, baa. Muh nah muh nah. Ba baa, Ba Ba ba, ba Ba ba, ba Ba ba, ba Ba ba ba ba Ba, Muh nahmuh nah.
523. Six months in a leaky boat.
524. Toadstool amplexus. Beautiful in a very disturbing way.
525. House searching D:.
526. Speedsloth? Living with me.
527. Monstrumtalon is a part.
528. In some people, the nose and bellybutton are conjoined. This is called the nasel.
529. Greasey paper, ooh, what a tasty treat, greasy paper, slimey with the sweat of meat.
530. That was totally a crimp.
531. A monocle with a beard is called a bonobo.
532. Chimpansieves are just fake bonobos.
533. If you cut a starfish in half, it files a complaint.
534. GANNET GANNET GANNET GANNET BATMAN?
535. Skexybeast is a head. Of a p-
536. I like to pass on cancerous tissue. Orally.
537. Giblets! Rock of Gibben. GIBBON GIBBON SWEET HOUSE.
538. HUELL HOWSER
539. If you eat duck, what becomes of the pekons?
540. A Pecon is a levitating nose. With extra hair.
541. Mmmmmm, pecans.
542. BUT AHMAAA CREEEEEEEEP.
543. two one. Lift-off, mothersexer.
544. Melbourne's stupid. I don't like Melbourne. Too many singular guy with long hair.
545. Now, son, don't touch that marshmallow.
546. Anaesthetic doesn't work if you don't believe in it.
547. Conspiracies don't exist if you don't believe in them.
548. The reptile men won't get you if you don't believe in them.
549. Every time you disbelieve something, you start blinking manually.
550. Wow. I just lost the game. Shitgiggery.
551. Never ever mention legwarmers that happen to be very, very fat.
552. Humdiddlywinks Born.
553. Handwritten Cowboys are smelly.
554. If you handwrite a cowboy, you can die.
555. Fivefivefivefife fife Fife?
556. MAMMA MIA
557. Last week the chin went bow.
558. Eleven percent of dogs die on contact with their own arses.
559. Hexagonal Banshees.
560. Here, the gean represents a gormless buffoon.
From: www.MisterTreallysoveryveryfarfromstealthyedit.org
2. Sometimes dinosaurs emerge from the soil and rampage through New York.
3. Matt is cool.
4. If you dip Mute in hot wax, he becomes an amphibian.
5. An average snooker table hates darts.
6. George Bush used to have traing boxing fleas.
7. Polar bears live in the north because if they lived anywhere else they would turn green.
8. If penguins had the chance, they would love to eat Polar bears.
9. Chinese people don't actually eat chinese food; they order vietnamese takeaways.
10. The two toed sloth keeps a spare foot in a bush.
11. Houseflies like micheal jackson.
12. Flowers grow faster dead.
13. Brain cells sometimes dress up and go out on a rampage, murdering bartenders.
14. Tutankhamun was actually a woman.
15. The word "jernugnug" has been shown to turn faeces yellow.
16. The highest IQ on any person was 812 on a small child called will (D:). Sadly, he was executed due to ludicrous hair size.
17. The strongest bear killed a blue whale just by looking at its baby.
18. Baby dalmations can give people epileptic fits.
19. Gravy can be used as oven cleaner.
20. When someone asks to pass the salt, they really want to be hit with a pointy stick.
21. Eggs are actually demons.
22. The periodic table is actually a secret code that, if deciphered, will show the user how to get to a button that catapults russia into the sun.
23. Bill and ben (The flowerpot men) Playing in the garden, playing with their friends.
24. All these facts are 100% true.
26. The word 'lol' first originated from the 16th century, believed to have meant 'Lots of Ladies'.
27. Fact 25 contained information about area 51, and was removed
28. Goats are technically illegal in Uzbekistan.
29. If you could lick your elbow, you would die of pneumonia.
30. massive black penis' up my anus.
31. will (D:) can edit posts now because Matt is a benevolent God-King.
32. Did you know a kiss that lasts for a minute burns 37 calories? And chasing ShadZ around with a pointy stick burns 212?
33. It is physically impossible to throw forks at a suicidal crab.
34. I drink calligrapher's ink, because if I ever have to write in my own blood I want it to be presentable.
35. He makes love like an eagle falling out of the sky;
36. Killed his sensei in a duel and he never said whyyyyy.
25. Take a left at McDonald's and just keep going.
37. Tapirs enjoy puzzles and capes.
38. Love is actually defined, in most classical annals, as the willingness to bathe in live eels from the Fjords.
39. Fjords is an even better word than youg.
40. No current dictionary can define the word "Irony".
41. Dwarves have an unpleasant habit of throwing wasps at birds.
42. Birds die on contact with wasps.
43. It is possible for calculators to breed.
44. Dead birds can land on bald heads.
45. Water bears enjoy dancing under the carpet.
46. Dr. Seuss invented the defibrillatior.
47. If a dead bird comes in contact with baldness, they join.
48. A bald HERP with a bird fused to his head is not a pleasant sight.
49. If you coat hamsters in sugar they taste like liquorice
50. Liquorice is disgusting.
51. Liquorice is disgusting.
52. It's a little known fact that piglet squids are capable of speech. Hard to talk underwater though.
53. Give sea monkeys gunpowder and waterproof matches and they evolve a level of sentience unmatched by puny mortal "man".
54. If you can topple a terrapin at just the right time, a little hatch will pop open on it's underbelly and one of those little music-box ballerinas will emerge to the tune of "Where Is My Mind" by The Pixies.
55. Delirium's real name is Primrose.
56. Tissues, in a miracle of recycling, are made from congealed and woven snot.
57. MONEY BOXES SHAPED LIKE PIGLETS ARE SOMETIMES ACTUAL PIGLETS. DON'T BE FOOLED!
58. I got arrested for trying to push a coin into a piglet's back =/.
59. I mean, once I found 50 cents in my bacon, so I can't be the only one.
60. If you poke a sheep with the nosecone from the Apollo space shuttle, it will tell you President Nixon's secret first name. This is one of many easter eggs left by God.
61. If you poke a cow with the nosecone from the Apollo space shuttle, it will slay your family. This is one of many easter eggs left by God.
62. If you eat faeces, you will live a long and happy life.
63. 92% of people are disturbed by onions, but are too embarrased to admit.
64. Nine.
65. If Morgan Freeman had a child with Chuck Norris, many people would laugh at them.
66. If you laugh at Chuck Norris...
67. HUELL HOWSER
68. Similar to sloths, Flamingoes keep a spare beak and leg in a pond.
69. Eagles are the same upside down, much like old elephants.
70. Jumbo jets are usually green, but are seen as white due to the bits of cloud that clings on to them.
71. Baseball caps are made from a combination of sea anemones and the terrified screams of Norwegian villagers when confronted with the Walrussian horde.
72. Walrussians are Russian walrusses riding bear cavalry. The bear steeds are made of malicious thoughts from the mind of an enraged prawn.
73. Cohesive sentences are the enemy of progress.
74. It's physically impossible to type the "%" symbol.
75. The English language has no word to describe cold.
76. Sargon, Hammurabi, Ashurbanipal and Gilgamesh were all known to be sub-par backgammon players. Largely because they only ever practiced with a crippled albatross.
78. Crippled albatrosses can't play backgammon.
79. But they can with cybernetic upgrades...
80. OFUCK THE ROBALBATROSSES ARE COMING! OFFER YOUR CHILDREN TO QUETZALCOATL!
81. Robalbatrosses are part bird.
82. See 42.
83. Robabaltrosses don't die.
84. The robalbatrosszombiepocalypse is coming.
85. Wheat is the most contagious plant in the world.
86. Wheat is the most plant like contagion in the world.
87. Notebooks with red front covers are made from a squeezed baconbird.
88. All notebooks have red covers.
89. 8 is the only number that can be written with a slight pucker.
90. The word 'genome' used to have 4 silent 'w's in it.
91. The word "Gwyneth" still has a silent 'w' in it.
92. Sex is better with yarn. Also yams.
93. Don't ask how I know that.
94. Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a spider corn.
95. A bilby's eyes are actually just two ends of a hollow cyllinder-- if you poke a pencil into one, it will eventually come out the other, leaving the animal completely unharmed.
96. Sticking pencils into marsupial eyes is still illegal.
97. Lungfish are actually lungs that have abandoned the human body for the life aquatica.
98. Montegaul P. Shaftenwell is the greatest porn-name of all time.
99. Wells were made to be broken.
100. A roadcone, when propelled into space, will be in space.
101. Dalmations.
102. If you yank a poodle's fur, it hums moonlight sonata.
103. Sex is better with squid.
104. In fact, any mollusc'll do.
105. Dont let that fool fool you with his talk of yarn and yams.
106. Don't ask.
107. If the oldest HERP in the world died, his first name would become the new square root of pi.
108. Pi is about 9.6
109. If you want to dance in the street, buy a gherkin crusher.
110. The '!' symbol is legal in arabia, but only if you use a curved line.
111. Cynical sea slugs are difficult to get along with, but if you can surmount the language barrier, they are loyal companions and advisers.
112. Unlike most molluscs, cynical sea slugs never frollick. If it's frollicking you want, find a slug.
113. Bambi shot himself after he was outfrollicked by a slug.
114. The movie adaption wasn't all that true to life.
115. ahm the last of the big-time spenders.
116. Though wallets can fit in iPod boxes, they make poor substitutes.
117. The dinosaurs were wiped out as a consequence of early time-travel experiments.
118. Thankfully they were technologically advanced enough to have colonized the moon beforehand.
119. Neil Armstrong never made it back to Earth. Imagine Jurassic Park, in space. Fuck yeah.
120. Fact 120 was removed for your protection. But then we put it back in anyway.
121. will (D:) is a noob
122. See 24.
123. Four five six.
124. If you grate an onion, be sure to empty the remains into a BIN.
125. Definitely don't use the remains for sex.
126. 97% of the world's population cannot count over 96445097.
127. Those who can are hunted down by the FBI.
128. You need lots of expansions for a healthy economy.
129. Potato bakes have at least 40 lumps of desert hare in them.
130. Ten percent of all children smoke chicken faeces.
131. Moths are attracted to flames purely due to the fact that they're all horribly depressed.
132. If you crack open a flourescent light globe, all the sparkly pixies will escape.
133.7
134. Demons are actually eggs.
135. Malted puppies taste better than you'd expect.
136. You can herp as many derps as you want, but never, under any circumstance, should you derp a herp. Mostly because it summons Wolverale back.
137. Wolverale's a bit of a rope.
138. Your mother is a bit of a rope.
139. Your FACE is a bit of a rope.
140. Words hurt too.
141. If you drop a film canister in a prison, you will get frakkeet.
142. You dont want to get frakkeet.
143. Trust me.
144. Depressed moles sell cows.
145. If you ask a soprano to cheese, he will certainly die.
146. If you ask a soprano cheese to die, will he certainly?
147. Certainly, if you ask a soprano cheese to, he will die.
148. Come to think mof it, should we really be torturing these soprano cheeses?
149. Bagels have ketchup in pores.
150. Dinosaurs ate grass.
151. Frakkeet is kinkybuttsecs, by the way.
152. I just... Felt like I should point that out. In case any of you were curious. You know. For safety's sake.
153. Getting in a fridge will totally save you from a nuke.
154. Getting in a nuke will fridge you totally from a save.
155. Soft serve icecream-- what is it? We just don't know.
156. Sometimes the internet lies to you. But not me. Oh no. Our love is far too pure for that. We love each other. Don't we? Don't we love each other?
157. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. But what if the bush has hands?
158. ... And then the bush went to jail for fondling pelicans. Which raised a slew of questions, destined never to be answered.
159. HELP! ahm TRAPPED IN A T-SHIRT FACTORY.
160. Bostitch? I think so.
161. Faces have noses attached to them.
162. Vikings live in norway.
163. Present is the correct tense when referring to vikings.
164. Ten.
165. An infinite number of powerangers can fit in a shoebox.
166. Pick up sticks.
167. Twenty more to got :3.
168. Oh my, Lyons and Tygers and Beers!
169. Moonlight will kill you.
170. Shrimp will kill you.
171. The tickets are now diamonds.
172. This is too shiney. It's all... Just... It's too shiney.
173. HAF YOU SEEN THA MUFFIN HERP? He's wanted on three counts of rape.
174. I once saw a gingerbread HERP pleasuring himself. I ate him anyway. Does that make me wierd? OR A VISIONARY!?
175. Typing "FUCK! THERE'S A JELLYFISH IN MY FRGARGLE!" three times creates a localized black hole that can fold our entire number system by about ten numbers.
176. Like so: "FUCK! THERE'S A JELLYFISH IN MY FRGARGLE!" "FUCK! THERE'S A JELLYFISH IN MY FRGARGLE!" "FUCK! THERE'S A JELLYFISH IN MY FRGARGLE!".
187. will (D:) is the ultimate manipulator of space and time. Suck my balls, David Tennant.
188. Witches are made from pyrethrum powder. When burned, they act like mosquito coils...
189. But we all pretended it was because they were agents of Satan. Seriously, though, mosquitos are that annoying. Am I right?
190. Sean Connery is actually an alien sent to enslave the female half of the human race with his incredibly tufty tresses of chest-hair.
191. Rearrange the letters in the word 'gangrape' and you get 'puglin'
192. If you try to bend space and time, you can grow excess body hair.
193. Unless your name is Matt.
194. George Bush once said; "Ambush, that is, Bush, I am."
195. Blue dirigibles are allergic to cancer.
196. "FUCK! THERE'S A JELLYFISH IN MY FRGARGLE!" "FUCK! THERE'S A JELLYFISH IN MY FRGARGLE!" "FUCK! THERE'S A JELLYFISH IN MY FRGARGLE!".
177. Because 196 - 10 = 177!
178. Forks have brains.
179. Just dont let them realise.
180. Grapefruit is very very tasty.
181. In a bad way.
182. What's that I hear around the bend? A CONVERGENCE IN SPACE-TIME?
183. OH FUCK THIS IS GOING TO GET HAIRY.
184. IIIIIINCOOOMMIIIIINGG--
185. Wait-- Where'd this jellyfish come from? Why is it-- OH SHIT WHAT IS IT-- NOT MY FRGARGLE!
186. "FUCK! THERE'S A JELLYFISH IN MY FRGARGLE!" "FUCK! THERE'S A JELLYFISH IN MY FRGARGLE!" "FUCK! THERE'S A JELLYFISH IN MY FRGARGLE!"
197. Well... THAT was a fortunate turn of events. Convergence avoided, I guess. Thanks, Mister Jellyfish!
198. ... And that's how our heroes learnt that fucking with space and time can have dire consequences.
199. That you can avoid by carrying an extraordinarilly poisonous sea-creature around with you at all times.
200. Can't hold back Quite so many Persians, but it's just as homoerotic.
201. Star wars was based on a true story.
202. Frgargles are expensive.
203. Very difficult to replace.
204. WHich is why you dont let jellyfish at them.
205. FUCK, THERES A JELLYFISH IN MY FR-
206. Lets not go back into that.
207. The average pool table is an avid darts fan.
208. Darts are known to murder pool tables accidentally by mistaking them for snooker tables.
209. Snooker tables deserve to be murdered.
210. Happy chickens dance in the street WITHOUT A GHERKIN(!)
211. Baconberries-- they turn people into bacon repositories. And that's where pigs come from.
212. The meaning of life is prrrrrrrr. Ock ock.
213. CAKE TIN!? YOU FUCKING COMMUNIST WHORE! I CAN'T BELIEVE I TRUSTED YOU. I CAN'T BELIEVE I LOVED YOU!
214. Did you know that the Apollo space mission was compromised when it was revealed Osama had actually snuck on board the capsule?
215. That's where he's been hiding all these years. On the moon. Actually seriously though.
216. The Easter Bunny was invented before evolution got it's facts straight. It was pretty funny when natural selection finally realised that bunnies don't lay eggs.
217. Demons come from Hell. Thus hen genitalia is Hell.
218. Truth is a lie; trust only falsity. Except don't trust false teeth though.
219. Too nineteen? Probably. BUT ahm STILL LISTENING TO BJORK.
220. ... They are not so clever.
221. If you let demons hatch then they will overpopulate.
222. TOO TOO TOO?
223. Chinese families share one very large shoe.
224. Iraq is full of polystyrene
225. Wrong McDonalds.
226. Drunk people die less than undrunk people.
227. 40% of cheese is stolen.
228. If you fed a dragon pineapple, it would catch syphilis.
229. A flying cow is generally more active than a housefly.
230. The word 'gonad' has 8 testicles.
231. The word 'testicles' has, itself, 8 gonads. Thus, an exponential tree is formed-- scientists call this the "pear tree".
232. Not to be confused with the somewhat less ferocious bear tree.
233. In winter, the bear tree becomes a bare tree. And then falls asleep.
234. Stoopid trees. How you gunna photosynthesize with no leafs?
235. LISTS CAN BE LOOOOONG.
236. It is possible to jump so high you touch the sky-- but only if you time it just right, and only if gravity happens to reverse.
237. Gravyty is not to be confused with gravity. Gravyty is an altogether tastier beast, found only on the gravy planet, Gravox.
238. Toothy ate?
239. Tail ale is best served from pale grails, over bales to hale males.
240. Ominous organ music generally signifies the rapid approach of a Scottsman with tentacles for a beard. The Chernobyl beard-conditioner plant quickly went out of business.
241. Gravy is illegal in texas.
242. Gravity is illegal in Iowa
243. If you glue a pond skater to a plant, it becomes a leaf.
244. Insect based leaves kill plants.
245. And people.
246. If you go rollerskating in a buffalo herd, you might grow an additional head.
247. Additional heads can be somewhat bitter, and like to make snide remarks.
248. Homo Erectus was named because they were turned on by other men.
249. There were no female Homo Erectus.
250. Area 51 is at THAT McDonalds, batfucking.
251. Lol.
252. These facts.
253. They stack to make...
254. Well. Something... Something...
255. Something vaguely resembling some kinda...
256. I dunno. Kind of like a mastaba but smoother, more gradual...
257. I guess you'd call it some sort of triangular shape. With flat sides. More of a structure.
258. ahm sure there's a name for a structure with a triangular shape. Like... I guess a kind of a... triangulid?
259. No wait. Wait up. Hang on, I've got this. It's right on the tip of my tongue. Those funny people made them. A PYRAMID!
260. Uhh... By the way... Uh... Frogs hop backwards during a solar eclipse. And FORWARD during a lunar eclipse. Which is seriously weird.
261. This is a fucking wierd pyramid.
262. Frogs eat bacon in different angles depending on the current phase of the moon.
263. Sausages.
264. Eleven.
265. When you fry peas, peas fry.
266. Stephen Fry is a pea.
267. Which makes him fried.
268. WAIT, WHAT?!
269. FUCK! THERES A JELLYFISH IN MY FRGARGLE!
270. FUCK! THERES A JELLYFISH IN MY FRGARGLE!
271. THERE! MY JELLYFISH FUCKS IN A FRGARGLE!
272. No black holes today. Krakens have a fuckton of teeth.
273. ... And then Jesus said, "Hey guys. Let's write a joke book!"
274. Cat does not have any facts to add to this list.
275. Nor do either of my cats.
276. ahm slow.
277. I guess I am the sky I should have found my way out, so that everyone could find their way out.
278. I can't type all anymore. It comes out as lal.
279. When amoebas get together they replicate and have wicked clone wars.
280. Collagen is for the weak. And the single-celled.
281. Hands only have 1 bone in them.
282. CC.
283. 67 is the only number with 14.4 syllables
284. Cats have large tumours.
285. DAAAANCEE!
286. Mah maw once told me bad people have 3 beards.
287. She was very wise.
288. If you look closely at the letter 'z' you can see large amounts of sarcasm.
289. Jesus told me my father was a beaver.
290. Fode, beck nud nud, geade.
291. Freud was also an excellent spider.
292. Spiders, on the other hand, make poor psychiatrists.
293. Unless you give them cybernetic implants.
294. AND THEN THE CYDERS TOOK OVER THE WORLD. BUT NOBODY TOOK THEM SERIOUSLY BECAUSE OF THEIR NAME.
295. The inevitable clash between cyders and robotrosses was majestic-- a conflagration that spanned the heavens and spilled down to the earth.
296. It annihalated civillisation and lapped like a deathly tide at the pinkie-toes of the shattered remnants of mankind, who clung on until the war finally passed...
297. But then they invented lobstrons and basically got fucked right over.
298. Bear cavalry? MO' LIKE BURR CAVALRY 'CUZ BURRS DON'T MOVE AND THEY CAN GET STUCK IN YOUR CLOTHES SO YOU CARRY THEM ABOUT WITHOUT REALISING!
299. OPEN THE DOOR, GET ON THE FLOOR, EVERYBODY DO THE SAFETY DANS.
300. The sequel, 300 men 1 cup, was decidedly less successful. But equally homoerotic.
301. Throw that thing!
302. You don't want to know what that 'thing' is.
303. Lets just say it practices frakkeet
304. (kinkybuttsecks)
305. I think you want that thing.
306. massive black penis up my anus style.
307. Anteaters have four nipples.
308. Ghordes of Gherkings took over earth!
309. Cybergherkins.
310. I can smell the ocean!
311. Your mother smells like the ocean. 'Cuz she's a fushie.
312. Not a majestic fushie either. Like a neon tetra. Pretty but tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiny.
313. I don't like symmetrical numbers that aren't symmetrical.
314. Error 404: Fact not found.
315. Pigs have like 16 nipples. Hang on, I'll google pig nipples.
316. Huh, damn. Up to 14 nipples. Oh well, it was a guess.
317. Most only have 8 or 10 though. That's wierd, that some just happen to have more nipples than others. In people, we'd call that Awesome.
318. I AM FRANK, MALICIOUSLY BENEVOLENT GOD-KING OF THE SAND GRAINS. FLITTER BEFORE MY INFLUENCE!
319. breadfish.co.uk/
320. Lol can't believe I googled pig nipples.
321. Zero
322. 314 was actually pi but we have not enough bandwidth.
323. Daddy said not to eat bacon.
324. THEM BAYCUNBURDS WANNA FITE?
325. I bet you are a fan of electrocuting beetles.
326. Ghod (not god) Made the moon in 28 days.
327. He was a lazy bastard.
328. Ghawd made an asteroid in 167 years.
329. He was even lazier.
330. Turkeys ambush turks.
331. And then Pepe said, "Don't go in there! Eez not a bacon tree! Eez a Hambush!".
332. Google "The Blooooooooooooop".
333. Gay men fart rainbows.
334. Pour out alphabet soup onto the surface of the moon and when it lands it spells out the first testament.
335. If a frog ever mews as would a hispanic cat, the breadfish apocalypse is nigh.
336. It is written in the book of Mythos that on the tenth day of the Denouement of Lament, the Legendary Phoenix will rise from the flames of London and the world will be born anew.
337. Throw a computer mouse into a bath and give it a few million years and it will evolve into a computer-whale.
338. Computer whales have laser tongues.
339. Omo: Small and Mighty laundry detergent is a delicious treat for the whole family.
340. Breadfish's distant relative, the Muffinsponge, is decidedly less cool.
341. If you dunk a dinosaur into a tarpit, gmail send all users a promotional email.
342. Witches are legible to make a claim, no matter what the circumstances.
343. You little eyeball freak!
344. I plan to evolve into pure energy and move temporal plane cuz my neighbors are ridiculous.
345. Six seven eight nine.
346. 93% or the worlds population (6/3rds) are allerging to people who allergic to people with hay fever.
347. I am iron HERP!
348. Sixty four is coming.
349. If you drop a wheelchair and let it be claimed by the youg, you will catch chronic hiccups.
350. Seventy people prefer the word noben to youg.
351. Seventy people are idiots. Not necessarily the same ones though. But totally the same ones.
352. HULIGANJETTA!
353. ahm a foreigner. And ahm walking through your streets.
354. Ping pong balls are immune to hydrochloric acid, in the sense that they move quickly enough to dodge any molecular contact.
355. Ping pong balls are the reason behind the extinction of an entire species-- they are, in effect, severed dodo balls.
356. The tastiest meat of all is said to come from the Lion's Mane jellyfish-- but it's notoriously tough.
357. Acceleration due to gravity is proportional to weight-- the heavier something is, the faster it falls. Thus, the Earth cannot be revolving around the sun, as the sun is made of hydrogen gas and thus falls through space more slowly.
358. The citizens of Krakatoa turned the tragedy that decimated their island right around by initializing an extremely profitable lava lamp business.
359. Two tears in a bucket, motherfuck it!
360. Degrees centigrade in a circle.
361. Many people use colons when a semicolon would do just as well. This is a waste of resources.
362. If termites infest buildings, an african woman shouts MUDGARRY.
363. Cats can grow an extra tail if they sing.
364. Twelve
365. A year should actually be 433 days, but nobody likes that idea.
366. Most people are idiots.
367. 94% of most people are stupider than the other 18%
368. Ducks are allergic to snot.
369. Ducks are covered in snot.
370. Ducks die prematurely.
371. will (D:) can completely dissassemble a smoke alarm in his sleep.
372. Apparently there's a $300 fine for dissassembling a smoke alarm.
373. V.V.
374. ... Anyway. Bokononism is a cool religion. Wish it was real.
375. ahm a bit of a fan of Cat's Cradle in general.
376. If you put a sock on an epilleptic pinniped's head, it will gain sentience... And then it will come for you.
377. And not in a good way.
378. I once saw a stockinged walrus mow a HERP down with his own car.
379. There are only 379 numbers in the world.
. OH GOD I'VE FALLEN OFF THE NUMERICAL PRECIPICE! Somebody hold me D:. These are uncharted waters...
. Numbers are boring now.
. I dont know why we had them in the first place.
. They aren't even necessary.
. ... How far are we now?
384. I found it.
385. ahm lying by the way.
387. Back up to speed now!
388. Four oh nine.
389. If cats dance they grow an extra ear.
390. Brentelodonts were small pigs with big egos.
391. Kurt Vonnegut is a genius. Cat's Cradle is an incredible book.
392. Four One One Zero.
393. Badger.
394. Badger.
395. Badger.
396. Badger.
397. MUUU-SHROOM!
398. MUUU-SHROOM!
399. God was surely trying to kill them, possibly because He was through with them, and they should have the good manners to die. This, as you can see, they did.
400. My Grandma's little dog had to have her eye removed. Poor little thing <=|.
401. If china were any bigger, continents would be made of dust.
402. Continents are made of dust anyway.
403. Gorgonopsids are allergic to packing foam.
404. Fact unemployed.
405. Ghetto Scotsmen have 47 APM whilst asleep.
406. Cheese is illegal in texas.
407. Gorge Clewnie is a famous actress.
408. Nice glasses, hun.
409. Nosetampons dont work.
410. Only 57.8 till we have a sandbox!
411. Newton was a cad.
412. Axolotls are salamanders with hair.
413. Comin' out of my cage
414 And I been doin' just fine.
415. God I gotta be damned, because I want it all.
416. Started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this--
417. It was only a kiss-- it was only a kiss.
418. Chocolate bilbies don't taste as nice as the real thing.
419. Pimply pimples .
420. I need an appendix donor.
421. Appendectomies are illegal in Iowa.
422. Why frog, why?
423. $90 kid.
424. You win.
425. I lied.
426. You actually lost.
427. John Cleese is allergic to peanut butter.
428. YOU'RE an epithelial.
429. You made it this far. Congratulations.
430. Geee beats geee.
431. That doesn't seem physically possible. Unless 1 > 1 nowadays.
432. Ah, log. My ollllld nemesis.
433. Logalogalogalogalogalogalogalogalog.
434. See? I sound like a shrew.
435. Feeling down? Buy a hot air balloon, pansy.
436. Aperture Science: We do what we must, because we can.
437. Skrillex is shit. Well, not very good, anyway.
438. Stray cats are not at all fond of hobos, with or without jackets. This surprises me.
439. You are a hotty.
440. Error: found Fact not.
441. Broken tadpoles have witch fingers and can sweep evening gowns.
442. Al Gore hates peanuts
443. Old people have wrinky feet
444. Fore!
445. 96% of gorillas have fingernails.
446. Tapir porn is legit.
447. I like tea coffee tea rings.
448. I lied.
449. Gertrude finklebottom eats peanuts.
450. I am a walnut hair.
451. Viscera is just another way to say "I love you".
452. Russians have no word for pain.
453. They just say "Ow".
454. spacebar???
455. DAAAAAAAAMN YOUUUUUUU SWEEEEDEEEN.
456. Facebook was much more time-consuming before it was digitized.
457. YOU CAN'T TOUCH THAT because you need moar faarms.
458. I was just contracted to design a small underwater treadmill for a chihuaha. I honestly shit you not.
459. Please, please, pleases, shave that beard.
460. Oh Mark. You so Antony.
461. My name is champignon and I am a mushroom.
462. Gorgonzola is an odd cheese.
463. Geese like chocolate apples.
464. Thirteen
465. 77% of all children hate fat people.
466. If you eat a gibbon's testicle, you get lung cancer
467. Scientists have shown that people with funny names are 96% more likely to be teased at school.
468. Studies show that all cases of death are fatal.
469. UNCLE ANDROSS.
470. Fode chum bang tom.
471. Take a cup. Fill it with elbow grease. You'll see.
472. JATZ. CRACKAAAAAZ.
473. Celery-- mundane vegetable or alien rock formation with latent supernatural abilities? We just don't know.
474. Rocks-- what are they? Are some celery? Are Mexicans rocks? Or are some rocks Mexicans?
475. Go to Guadalcanal. Yesterday night, 1am. I'll be standing on the airstrip. Bring a tranceiver radio and a bag of puppies.
476. ... You didn't show up. What the hell? Do you get a kick out of being this much of an asshole? Do you know how hard it is to get out to Guadalcanal?
477. Thus is our treaty written; thus is agreement made.
478. Ucrepuscular brah?
479. Philodendrons. Got one? No you don't. I do. Bitch.
480. Man, we have such good times together, me and ol' Leafy. I'll show you our holiday snaps. You'll be so jealous.
481. Herr Von Lichen is a fungal growth.
482. I have a tumour shaped like a vagina.
483. It's on my face.
484. Giant Carl!
485. Bon jovi are old.
486. Australian music lacks didgeridooooooooos.
487. Eeeh does not equal MC Hammer.
488. Cheese is illegal in ARRKANCEAY.
489. Purple socks!
490. Gosh you so chewing gum.
491. Pina colada ON A STRING.
492. Popes-- known to circle happless victims of shipwrecks and sing unto them hauntingly beatiful melodies.
493. Stoning has never been the same since hippies came along.
494. Visser just found a new player on Gameranger. In his first game ExtremePlayer, his teammate, stabbed him in the back with kangon frogs.
495. Yea asshole.
496. Byam just PM'ed me saying my model was wrong because kitchenaid mole rats don't have ears. They do >.>.
497. With porcelain eyes, and the mind of a monkey...
498. WOOP. WOOP.
499. I have in my possession some yarn, pickpocketed from Phillip Watson years ago. I still look at it sometimes and chuckle.
500. HALFWAY THERE? YEAHPRO.
501. WE'VE COME SO FAR.
502. Could've brought a tear to my eye.
503. But I don't have feelings.
504. That's why I gave my ugly son to the juggling bears.
505. I mean seriously.
506. He was reeeeealllly ugly.
507. Imagine a sunburnt walrus.
508. Picture its anus.
509. Give it features and a stupid haircut and voila! You have him.
510. Last I saw of him he was getting silicon knees.
511. Several species of nutmeg go out hunting in the winter.
512. Quolls have too few nipples.
513. If you set whisky on fire, Zombiescots come and steal your firstborn.
514. If you dont have a firstborn, then they take your testicles.
515. Like an underwater bagel.
516. Buttering a jam sandwich breaks the second dimension.
517. The square root of -1 is actually MAMAMAMAMACAAANANA.
518. Charlie sheen cannot come in contact with nasal hair.
519. Very fat people die old.
520. Minus one, habadashere.
521. This Byam must be a very intelligent HERP.
522. Ba Baa, Ba ba ba. Muh nah muh nah. Ba Baa baa, baa. Muh nah muh nah. Ba baa, Ba Ba ba, ba Ba ba, ba Ba ba, ba Ba ba ba ba Ba, Muh nahmuh nah.
523. Six months in a leaky boat.
524. Toadstool amplexus. Beautiful in a very disturbing way.
525. House searching D:.
526. Speedsloth? Living with me.
527. Monstrumtalon is a part.
528. In some people, the nose and bellybutton are conjoined. This is called the nasel.
529. Greasey paper, ooh, what a tasty treat, greasy paper, slimey with the sweat of meat.
530. That was totally a crimp.
531. A monocle with a beard is called a bonobo.
532. Chimpansieves are just fake bonobos.
533. If you cut a starfish in half, it files a complaint.
534. GANNET GANNET GANNET GANNET BATMAN?
535. Skexybeast is a head. Of a p-
536. I like to pass on cancerous tissue. Orally.
537. Giblets! Rock of Gibben. GIBBON GIBBON SWEET HOUSE.
538. HUELL HOWSER
539. If you eat duck, what becomes of the pekons?
540. A Pecon is a levitating nose. With extra hair.
541. Mmmmmm, pecans.
542. BUT AHMAAA CREEEEEEEEP.
543. two one. Lift-off, mothersexer.
544. Melbourne's stupid. I don't like Melbourne. Too many singular guy with long hair.
545. Now, son, don't touch that marshmallow.
546. Anaesthetic doesn't work if you don't believe in it.
547. Conspiracies don't exist if you don't believe in them.
548. The reptile men won't get you if you don't believe in them.
549. Every time you disbelieve something, you start blinking manually.
550. Wow. I just lost the game. Shitgiggery.
551. Never ever mention legwarmers that happen to be very, very fat.
552. Humdiddlywinks Born.
553. Handwritten Cowboys are smelly.
554. If you handwrite a cowboy, you can die.
555. Fivefivefivefife fife Fife?
556. MAMMA MIA
557. Last week the chin went bow.
558. Eleven percent of dogs die on contact with their own arses.
559. Hexagonal Banshees.
560. Here, the gean represents a gormless buffoon.
From: www.MisterTreallysoveryveryfarfromstealthyedit.org